Standing in the Rain


Hello Friends,

This is a “Woe is me, I hate myself, Why do I suck” kind of post. It’s probably wise not to even waste time reading this but hey, cut me some slack! Everyone has to write one of these from time to time. If you’ve seen my “about” page you know that I’ve struggled with body image issues. I love to workout! I really believe nothing can put you in good mood like a good workout can! Howeverrrrrrrr, I’ve really been struggling recently with the whole heath and fitness mentality. Over Christmas break I didn’t really take the time to exercise (I chose instead to be a lazy hog) and I definitely put on a few holiday pounds. I know, I know, it’s normal to gain weight this time of year. But it’s really hard for a recovering eating disorder patient to be okay with that extra weight gain. I AM HAPPY to say that I made it through the new year WITHOUT purging once! HOOOORAY! And yet, I’m still not happy with myself because I wasn’t able to really manage the way I ate and it’s carried over into this new year. I still feel controlled by food. For example, if I have one Oreo, I’ll have the whole sleeve of cookies. I’ve fallen into this rut and I can’t seem to get out of it!! I was so excited about getting back to school and having some time to myself where I could focus on eating right, buying my own groceries, controlling myself and all of that pizazz. And still… I’m not able to control the way I eat. I keep trying and trying and failing. I feel like I don’t have any self discipline. My days consist of working out hard & eating healthy for the first part of the day and then I alwayyyyyys blow it in the afternoon or at dinner time. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to break this mental barrier and I can literally feel myself getting bigger. I don’t want to count my calories or do any of that because I know that can lead me back into some dangerous ED behaviors. But, I feel like these kind of behaviors that I’m currently trapped in are just as dangerous. Sure, it’s perfectly okay for me to eat some chocolate. But, it’s not really okay to eat an entire candy bar everyday. I would LOVE to lose about ten pounds. I may not neeeed to lose ten pounds, but that’s a goal I’ve had since before last summer. Here I am, almost a year later. Goal, failed. Right now I may be within a perfectly healthy weight range, yes, but the problem here comes down to self-discipline. And, I don’t have any. There will be times in my life where I actually NEED to lose weight for whatever reason, say… after I have a baby one day. If I can’t even manage to get a grip on myself NOW, when all I have to worry about is college and my own personal choices, what am I going to do when real life hits and I have more legitimate things to be concerned about? Do you guys ever feel this way? I know what I need to do to get back on track – food logs, focus, an accountability partner. The sad thing is, I’ve tried those things. I just don’t even have the discipline to do food logs or plan meals. I can’t find a friend who will actually HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE and not simply tell me that it’s okay to mess up every. single. day. I need some tough love right now! I can’t seem to make it through the day without eating something with the intent of hiding what I’m eating, eating more than my body really wants, or just eating an overabundance of sweet things! I haven’t been able to break the pattern. I’ve been telling myself that I’m just trying to hang on and not purge on the excess food that I’ve been eating but I think I’ve given myself too much leeway with the overeating part, as that has been my goal for a while now. In all honesty, I think my thoughts about not purging have become a crutch because I’m making any changes. I just can’t figure it out.

I know that this is just a stage in my recovery because I am really proud that I haven’t purged in a REALLY LONG TIME and know that it is a giant step forward. I am just frustrated with myself and feel like I am undoing my forward progress by staying still, stuck in this rut. I’m tired of trying and failing! I think what I need is a good kick in the pants! I am so thankful that the Lord is somehow working through all of this and maybe I’ll see some evidence of his plan sometime soon. I feel like I am the only thing standing in my way… AND in the Lord’s way! I don’t want to get in His way with all of my negative thoughts and my failure to let him work in me to beat my struggle with food once in for all. It’s tough sometimes, but I know how important it is to keep everything in perspective. I’m sitting in my bed right now listening to the rain… It’s been raining here for literally like a week straight. I haven’t seen the sun for 6 days… SIX! I’m not even kidding. Everything’s flooding! And as I sit here, reflecting, all of this monsoon rain reminds me of my struggle with food right now. I feel like I’m standing in the rain, without an umbrella, getting soaked. Any normal person would say, “That’s stupid! Get out of the rain!” Why would anyone just want to stand in the rain?! That’s what I’ve been doing. I have been through therapy so I know have the tools to get through this. I just need to be more proactive. I need to arm myself with an umbrella, rainboots, and a raincoat before I go out in the rain. I need to arm myself with scripture, friends, and a plan before I start to climb out of this rut I’ve been in. I am to smart to be the only thing standing in my way and I am too smart to just stand out in the rain. The rain also reminds me of God’s promise of a rainbow. I know, it’s cheesy, but it’s true. The sun will have to come out eventually. But time doesn’t stop just because it’s raining. My analogy is weak, but I can’t stop just because it’s raining either – just because I’m having a hard time. I have to face the rain, fully protected, and keep trudging along until the sun emerges from behind the clouds.
This post started miserably and ended with some optimism. See, ranting about our stupid irrational feelings does help! The important thing that I need to remember is NOT to give up. I can do this.

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