I absolutely love this reminder from Isaiah. I’ve had such a hard time keeping up with everything this week. When I say I was on the struggle bus… I WAS. I can’t seem to get things done right. On top of that , I’ve slept through several classes and important meetings with professors because I’ve been up late. I just want to punch myself. I get so down when things like this happen! Yet, the Lord makes it clear that we can’t do things ourselves. I am so thankful that he loves me even when I’m not perfect. I am thankful that I can REST in the way he always finds me beautiful and he always wants to love me. Even when nothing feels like it’s going right, our God is still there, carrying us through. Such a simple promise, yet so easy to forget. It’s been something huge for me lately though. Going through this breakup was necessary for so many reasons… but yesterday I talked to Blake and he basically told me he just wanted to be friends too. While that’s exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear, something about actually hearing him say that just knocked the wind out of me. I went from feeling wanted to feeling completely unwanted in a matter of seconds. I literally felt like my best friend had died, and in a way… he has. Blake just put a boundary up that I can’t cross anymore. He’s taken me out of his heart and placed me into a separate compartment on the outside labeled “just friends.” Quite frankly, I don’t know how to handle that. I’ve just had an incredibly hard few weeks and this just makes it worse. No matter what, I’ve known I can always rely on Blake. Now, I can’t. It’s not like I even WANTED him to want me forever or whatnot, I just didn’t realize how badly this was going to hurt. I’m thankful that though people’s hearts change, our God never changes. No matter what happens in this life, He is always there to carry us, sustain us, and rescue us. As our creator, he values us in ways that we will never know. I’m counting on Him so much through this time just to pull me through somehowwww. I can’t even keep up of a facade of perfection. While that’s scary and embarrassing for me, the Lord is showing me it’s not what’s important. Hopefully things will settle down soon.
I did try to study with some friends at the pool today before I gave up and went in to actually do work. I found myself getting so discouraged looking at the other girls bodies. I’ve really been trying hard, but I haven’t seen some miraculous transformation yet. I know it takes time, but I guess I expected to be farther along… I’m not a slob or anything so it’s frustrating to see just how I’ve undermined myself. It’s frustrating to think about how hard it’s actually going to be for me to reach my goals. When I compare myself to those who are better than me, it’s really discouraging to know that I’m so far away. I’m writing this before my workout today… 5 800’s. I’m doing them on a treadmill. I’ll post something later to talk about how it went. Hopefully I can power through enough to help me reach my goals. It may be one step out of 1,000 but it’s still one step closer to my goal.
For breakfast: Banana, greek yogurt, lots of peanut butter, 2% milk. This smoothie was probably wayyy over the calories I needed in the morning. But I ate breakfast at about 10:30am and it kept me full until 2pm!
Lunch: Tuna, brown rice. I mixed in some green olives and mustard to give it some more flavor. It was really nasty looking, but don’t knock it til ya try it!
A FEW HOURS LATER ADDING TO THIS POST…
Dinner: Chicken leftovers from Monday with a big salad. The chicken was easy to cook and tasted really good. All I had to do was toss it in some spicy sauce that came with some coordinating salad dressing. I cooked some broccoli in the leftover spice and added that to my salad. I also had 2 cutie clementine oranges.
I had another clementine just about 15 minutes ago. I was kinda hungry after work getting off work at 11:30 tonight.
The workout I did today was TOUGH. I tried to keep the treadmill NO LOWER than 7.5mph during the sprints. I kept it about an 8mph most of the time. I walked for like two minutes in between each half mile sprint. I was doing good, pushing myself really, really hard and then on the very last sprint I turned the speed up too high, got a stitch, and thought I was about to fall off. I had to jump off to the side really quick but then as soon as I could I hopped back on to speed and ran like 30 seconds longer than I would have. I hope that made for it! All in all the time was about 32 minutes and 3.2 miles total. 5x800meters is 2.5 miles of sprint work. That’s pretty good, I think, considering that I walked (at a sloowwww pace) in between sprints. I will be excited to see how I progress with this kind of workout.
It is true that you can be one workout away from a good mood! I am proud of myself for working out today and I know that it helped me even if I’m not seeing immediate changes with my body. I know it’s a process and that’s what makes it such a big challenge for me. If I do anything important at all during my day, I want it to be getting to the gym for a workout. It’s 12:25 am right now. I am going to try my best to get to the gym before 8am to workout tomorrow. I get so freaked out by a lack of sleep… I don’t know why. I feel like I can’t function well if I get less than 6 hours… I prefer to get at least 7 hours to have a good workout and feel productive the next day. SO. Here’s to a good night’s rest before taking a crack at a hard day tomorrow!