I LOVE THIS QUOTE.
It takes SO MUCH TIME to write a bunch! Sometime’s it’s all I can do to get down enough info to jog my memory for writing more at a later date.
This is the workout I did today… I did it through twice. Blake introduced this one to me about a year ago. It is REALLY TOUGH. I dare you to try it. I can never get through it in the 15 minutes. It takes me more like 20 minutes! I look forward to the day when I can do it without missing a single rep.
I also did 15 minutes on the elliptical first and then did some reading for class for 45 minutes on the bike.
I didn’t eat well today. That’s really been the thing that’s held me back for YEARS. I keep wanting to kill myself (not literally) when I think about where I could be now if I would have stayed dedicated to beating Ed! I’ve been so discouraged lately. Part of that is because I’ve felt like a failure with Blake. I want so bad to please him and he hasn’t necessarily encouraged me along the way lately. I beat myself up enough and he was (for good reason) only trying to hold me accountable… so I was getting a double whammy of guilt and shame. I kept slipping up so he kept trying to make me realize I can’t be complacent. I guess I was taking it too personally. We talked about it today and I felt much better afterwards. He helped me to realize that he KNOWS I have the potential to do this and he is pushing me so hard because he doesn’t want me to ever be satisfied until I beat Ed. He knows I work hard in the gym. It’s the eating that I just can’t get right. I get obsessed about food… Like just thinking about makes me want it. I think I need to eat WAY more than I do. Or… I try to restrict. Because restricting is HARDER, I often “fail” at it. Either way isn’t healthy. It’s “unfortunate” that my “problem” contributes to weight gain… Something that I am most fearful of. I swing back and forth, back and forth. That’s is why this is such a challenge for me! I’m learning how to beat a mindset that isn’t healthy. I’ve struggled so much these past few days that I emailed my sweet therapist and my nutritionist at Riley Therapy about meeting with them before I go to Italy. I wanted to talk with them about strategies to help me slow down enough to be able to take a step back from the food (or whatever the situation may be) and think about it. It’s never until AFTER I’m already eating that I am like, “Woah, wait, what is happening!?” I just can’t slow down at all once I give in one eensey teensy bit. The problem is that I ALWAYS GIVE IN. After I emailed my therapist, I texted a friend about meeting with her. I’ve had some girls this past school year that I’ve really tried to pour into and help them recover. However, I’ve somehow neglected the importance of having someone there mentoring me. My friend’s sister is a senior and actually went through in-patient treatment before college. She’s fully recovered and is studying to be a nutritionist so she can help others too! I love that about her and hope that God will use me in the same way… even now. I’ve been meaning to meet with her for a REALLY LONG TIME, so today I finally took the step to set up a time for us to talk. I know that will be helpful going into exam time.
Also, one more thing… today someone told me I had nice legs. Granted, she said they were “nice strong legs,” but I’ll take it! I was so taken aback by that complement because I HATE my “strong” legs so much. And yet, today, I am going to appreciate her complement.