Conversations

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So today, after a massage (and my first facial eeee!), I met a friend for coffee. I loved talking to her because she has really been in my shoes! It was so refreshing to talk to an older girl about some of the same struggles that I face and hearing how she got through it. We talked a good bit about the importance of mindful eating. That’s something I really struggle with but I know that’s a BIG key for me. I have to start taking the time to slow down and enjoy my food. It’s amazing how little it takes to be satisfied. Instead, I eat as fast as I can and gorge myself without even appreciating the taste, texture, and satisfaction that food can bring. I had some real revelations talking to Emily today. It was just really great.

Meals:

  • Breakfast: oatmeal (1 package and 1/2c. regular oats) with peanut butter and coffee
  • Lunch: A grilled chicken caesar wrap, apple slices, some olive oil and bacon pasta salad at the spa place. 
  • Snack: Skinny, sugar free chai latte 
  • Snack: almonds and raisins (1 serving), peanut butter and celery (1 stalk)
  • Dinner: grilled chicken salad (carrots, goat cheese, grapes, raisins) with light caesar dressing. 2 saltine crackers with goat cheese and scuppernong wine jelly. (Also had a few bites of my roommate’s chinese take out – sweet and sour chicken and rice. Being honest!)

Also……… I wrote this earlier on my way to the gym:

  • All day today, because of the rain in the dreary wet weather, I didn’t want to go to the gym. But, I’m on my way right now. I put on my running shoes, sucked it up, and thought, “Hey, just get there. You won’t regret it.” I’ve got to run 4 miles today since I missed it yesterday. I hate running, especially on the treadmill. But, I know that I have to do this if I’m going to reach my goals. It’s so important for me to man (or woman) up and break past the mental barriers that make me feel sorry for myself. Also, I’m on my way to the student gym on campus, Fike. I didn’t go to the little gym at our apartment complex because I needed some more motivation. Yes, it’s 7 o’clock on a Friday night but I put this off way too long and I’m getting to the gym NOW. Better late than never.  I have to learn that I just have to do it. This is a mental challenge. This is what the best do. And yet, through all of this hard work at the gym, I’m still searching for freedom. In beating Ed, there is freedom. In letting go of the voices that tell me I’m worthless, I’m nothing, I’ll never be enough… there is freedom, there is rest. I know I can’t do it myself. I have to let go of things that I keep holding on to and give them over to God. I’m not sure exactly what it is that I keep holding on to. I think it’s just the control factor in general. I want to have everything planned out perfectly. If it’s working out, please God, don’t take it away from me. Working out simply can’t take precedence over God. If God ever called me stop working out, then that’s what I would have to do. I’m going to do whatever it takes to beat Ed. It’s so tiring when I always think about constantly changing my body. It’s so disheartening to always criticize myself. That’s something I need to work on. I can be happy with hard work. I have to learn to love the fact that I have worked hard to get this far! I haven’t yet gotten where I want to be, but I have put some hard work in. I can’t let myself keep sabotaging myself. That sounds weird and it’s so complicated. It’s like a giant, 1000 piece puzzle. If I’m going to get anywhere, I’ve got to stop undermining myself. My goal isn’t a perfect body. That’s something important to realize. That way, I don’t have to beat my head against a wall to keep working for perfect body – because that’s not ever going to happen. I’m working for healthy; I’m working for me. I’m working to make myself better than I was. I’m not working for perfection. I’m not even trying to be the best. I have to stop comparing myself to others and only compare myself to myself. Did I work hard today? If the answer is yes then I don’t have anything left to do but be satisfied. My anxiety comes when I start to compare myself to others and I’m unsatisfied with the way God made me. There’s a saying by Tony Dungy that talks about the importance of following your dreams as long as they are in line with God’s plan. The same is true for working out and trying to be healthy – If I’m working out to better what God already made perfect then that’s okay. It’s when I’m constantly seeking to change what God created, what God said was good, that the problem manifests itself. I have to start accepting myself as I am. Until I can do that and stop being so negative, I’m honestly never going to see changes because I’ll be going to the gym for the wrong reasons, I’ll be eating for the wrong reasons, and I’m going to hate it all. Coming to Fike tonight will help me see that I’m not the only person in the gym on Friday night. And it’s not a bad thing to be in the gym! It’s what I want! I want to be in good shape and I want to find myself doing it. I don’t want to be a fatty and sit around all day, but if that’s what my body needs then that’s what I’ll do. Part of my journey is all about listening to my body, being mindful, and being in the moment. I’m always trying to do too many things at once. I need to slow down. With that in mind, I’m going to enjoy these 40 minutes on the treadmill and treat it as a mental break, not torture. I will look at it as a time for me to challenge myself but also a time for me to just “be” and not have to do anything but feel the beat of my feet on the treadmill. Granted, I’d love to be outside running. But it’s raining and, you know, we can’t control the weather. So here I go, I’m walking in the gym. I’m getting ready to run. I’m not running away from anything tonight. Rather, I’m running towards my goals. I’m running towards oneness, wholeness. I’m running towards freedom. I’m running towards the freedom that satisfaction in my current ability can bring. I’ll never fully be satisfied, but that doesn’t mean I have to be unhappy. It’s not the same thing. Maybe it’s better to say the “appreciation” that my current ability can bring. Wow. That was important for me to realize. 

So, I pushed myself really hard on the treadmill. I ran 3 miles in 25 minutes! That’s a personal best for me! I finished all four miles in 33:58. YAY! I felt like a beast. Also, after that I stretched out really good and then did the arm workout Blake gave me a few weeks ago:

  • Pushups (4 sets of as many as possible): 20, 19, 10, 20
  • Barbell Rows: 3 sets of 15 (Weights were: 15lb., 17.5lb., 17.5lb.)
  • Tricep Extension Machine: 3 sets of 15 (Weights: 50lb., 60lb. 60lb.)
  • Shoulder Circuit: 3 sets of 10, 8, 6 reps (I used 7.5lb. dumbbells for each set)
  • DB 21’s: 3 sets of 21 (Weights: 10lb. 10lb. 7.5lb.)
  • Plank and bicycle crunches done in a circuit.
  • Back extensions: 3 sets of 20 (Weights: 100lb., 110lb., 120lb.)

That’s all for today! I wish I could have said that I ate perfectly, but I clearly did not. That will come, I just can’t give up in the meantime. Something that Emily said earlier that really helped me was that I may have to go through a period of being heavier than I want to be. That’s where I’ve been for a LONG time because I’ve been eating so much! Hopefully, as I practice more mindful eating, my weight will settle back down. She also said that she had to make the CHOICE to be conscious and mindful. She had to do something hard and change her mindset. Knowing that someone else did it makes me know that I can too. I think that Italy will be really good for me. It will give me a different perspective about food. That’s something I desperately need. I’m going to keep trusting Blake. I know he knows what he’s doing. It’s nice that I don’t have to really think about stuff myself. It’s almost like I’m doing some kind of therapy because he’s really helping me change my mindset, even just by getting me in the gym. I just need to start following more of what he says about eating. I’ll get there. It’s just a journey – a long journey – but it’s the little rewards and revelations from days like today that help me keep going.

 

p.s. ONLY FOUR DAYS LEFT. WUT.

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