Today, after some serious struggles this week, I weighed in at 135. I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to weigh myself because I knew I wouldn’t be happy with the number but I thought it would be important to understand that there are consequences. Every time I get persuaded by the lies that Ed feeds me – that binging and purging actually can help me lose weight – the scale proves Ed wrong. The truth proves Ed wrong. Bulimia does not “work.” Even if I have to get it in my head by physically seeing the numbers on the scale go up, I have to prove it to myself. But today, even though I’m so disappointed and sad that I let myself gain the weight, I’m letting it all go. This journey has been so interesting. It’s far, far, far from a success story. It’s so interesting to see how Jesus has revealed different things to me. He’s made it blatantly obvious that I CAN NOT DO IT ALONE. These recent blog posts were supposed to keep me accountable and show myself that I could do it. ME, on my own strength, with my own self discipline. HAH. Jesus has taken that and turned it completely around. He’s showing me, through my own folly and failure, that the ONLY way to joy and “success” is to let it all go. The sermon I heard today was on point with everything I’m learning right now about submission. It was entitled “Religion Ruins Everything.” Religion – the desire to prove ourselves through the law, through works, through our own strength – is always going to be a temptation. But, we as people are profoundly limited in what we can or cannot do. That’s not something that the world wants us to hear. The world wants us to think we can do everything on our own; that we all have some kind of innate superpower we just have to tap into. But that’s not the message of the gospel. Trying to muster up religious energy to do what Jesus has already done for us and attempting to save ourselves is a form of slavery! We don’t have to spend time trying to “pay back God.” In a way, that’s what I’ve been doing! That’s why I haven’t been able to defeat Ed. I can’t do it on my own power. I’ve SAID that I’m working to make Jesus a part of my recovery, but that’s really the problem. I don’t have to work to save myself. I can’t do that. I can work to serve Jesus and make the Lord known, but Jesus doesn’t need us to be strong for him. If Christ died for us at our weakest point, he is not surprised at our weakness now. He is not ashamed of us. He does not need us to fake strength or perfection. We are freed up to admit our own weakness and then in turn allow healing to enter in. We don’t have to hide our struggles or feign perfection from God or from the communities he’s blessed us with here on earth. In fact, Paul says that we are to rejoice in our weaknesses! 2 Corinthians 12:9 reads, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” When we are able to admit our weaknesses, Christ is glorified. This is something that the Lord has really been pushing me to realize this entire year. Literally, this is all I’ve heard this year and I’ve still missed it. I know this in my head and I believe that I know this in my heart too, but putting it into action is a different story. In trusting in my savior, I have to let go of my own selfish goals. Honestly right now, in my constant failure of trying to redeem myself, I don’t think the Lord wants me to have such a focus on “health goals.” He wants me to relate ALL things to service in him first. I believe that he will complete me, he will heal me, and THEN he will free me to be able to glorify him through a renewed and a changed mindset of what it means to be healthy. Freedom is so close that I can almost grasp it. The Lord just has to make a few more things real to me first. I am trusting in my savior and that his plan is better than my plan. It may mean that I end up weighing 150 pounds in the process. But, I think the Lord is going to help me see that I have to let it all go. He’s not going to make me “unhealthy” or “ugly.” That’s not his plan. He gave us these bodies and wants us to take care of them! I think that the picture of health I have in my mind is in line with God’s plan. That hasn’t been the problem. The process for me is understanding that the way I look is NOT the most important. God is going to challenge that until I am changed to the very core. Then I will find true beauty, true joy, and true peace.
This is my prayer, my song, to the Lord today:
My Jesus, you satisfy.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Oh, God, be my everything, be my delight.
Be, Jesus, my glory. My soul’s satisfied.