What A Savior

Today, after some serious struggles this week, I weighed in at 135. I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to weigh myself because I knew I wouldn’t be happy with the number but I thought it would be important to understand that there are consequences. Every time I get persuaded by the lies that Ed feeds me – that binging and purging actually can help me lose weight – the scale proves Ed wrong. The truth proves Ed wrong. Bulimia does not “work.” Even if I have to get it in my head by physically seeing the numbers on the scale go up, I have to prove it to myself. But today, even though I’m so disappointed and sad that I let myself gain the weight, I’m letting it all go. This journey has been so interesting. It’s far, far, far from a success story. It’s so interesting to see how Jesus has revealed different things to me. He’s made it blatantly obvious that I CAN NOT DO IT ALONE. These recent blog posts were supposed to keep me accountable and show myself that I could do it. ME, on my own strength, with my own self discipline. HAH. Jesus has taken that and turned it completely around. He’s showing me, through my own folly and failure, that the ONLY way to joy and “success” is to let it all go. The sermon I heard today was on point with everything I’m learning right now about submission. It was entitled “Religion Ruins Everything.” Religion – the desire to prove ourselves through the law, through works, through our own strength – is always going to be a temptation. But, we as people are profoundly limited in what we can or cannot do. That’s not something that the world wants us to hear. The world wants us to think we can do everything on our own; that we all have some kind of innate superpower we just have to tap into. But that’s not the message of the gospel. Trying to muster up religious energy to do what Jesus has already done for us and attempting to save ourselves is a form of slavery! We don’t have to spend time trying to “pay back God.” In a way, that’s what I’ve been doing! That’s why I haven’t been able to defeat Ed. I can’t do it on my own power. I’ve SAID that I’m working to make Jesus a part of my recovery, but that’s really the problem. I don’t have to work to save myself. I can’t do that. I can work to serve Jesus and make the Lord known, but Jesus doesn’t need us to be strong for him. If Christ died for us at our weakest point, he is not surprised at our weakness now. He is not ashamed of us. He does not need us to fake strength or perfection. We are freed up to admit our own weakness and then in turn allow healing to enter in. We don’t have to hide our struggles or feign perfection from God or from the communities he’s blessed us with here on earth. In fact, Paul says that we are to rejoice in our weaknesses! 2 Corinthians 12:9 reads, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” When we are able to admit our weaknesses, Christ is glorified. This is something that the Lord has really been pushing me to realize this entire year. Literally, this is all I’ve heard this year and I’ve still missed it. I know this in my head and I believe that I know this in my heart too, but putting it into action is a different story. In trusting in my savior, I have to let go of my own selfish goals. Honestly right now, in my constant failure of trying to redeem myself, I don’t think the Lord wants me to have such a focus on “health goals.” He wants me to relate ALL things to service in him first. I believe that he will complete me, he will heal me, and THEN he will free me to be able to glorify him through a renewed and a changed mindset of what it means to be healthy. Freedom is so close that I can almost grasp it. The Lord just has to make a few more things real to me first. I am trusting in my savior and that his plan is better than my plan. It may mean that I end up weighing 150 pounds in the process. But, I think the Lord is going to help me see that I have to let it all go. He’s not going to make me “unhealthy” or “ugly.” That’s not his plan. He gave us these bodies and wants us to take care of them! I think that the picture of health I have in my mind is in line with God’s plan. That hasn’t been the problem. The process for me is understanding that the way I look is NOT the most important. God is going to challenge that until I am changed to the very core. Then I will find true beauty, true joy, and true peace.

This is my prayer, my song, to the Lord today:

My Jesus, you satisfy.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Oh, God, be my everything, be my delight.
Be, Jesus, my glory. My soul’s satisfied.


Standing in the Rain


Hello Friends,

This is a “Woe is me, I hate myself, Why do I suck” kind of post. It’s probably wise not to even waste time reading this but hey, cut me some slack! Everyone has to write one of these from time to time. If you’ve seen my “about” page you know that I’ve struggled with body image issues. I love to workout! I really believe nothing can put you in good mood like a good workout can! Howeverrrrrrrr, I’ve really been struggling recently with the whole heath and fitness mentality. Over Christmas break I didn’t really take the time to exercise (I chose instead to be a lazy hog) and I definitely put on a few holiday pounds. I know, I know, it’s normal to gain weight this time of year. But it’s really hard for a recovering eating disorder patient to be okay with that extra weight gain. I AM HAPPY to say that I made it through the new year WITHOUT purging once! HOOOORAY! And yet, I’m still not happy with myself because I wasn’t able to really manage the way I ate and it’s carried over into this new year. I still feel controlled by food. For example, if I have one Oreo, I’ll have the whole sleeve of cookies. I’ve fallen into this rut and I can’t seem to get out of it!! I was so excited about getting back to school and having some time to myself where I could focus on eating right, buying my own groceries, controlling myself and all of that pizazz. And still… I’m not able to control the way I eat. I keep trying and trying and failing. I feel like I don’t have any self discipline. My days consist of working out hard & eating healthy for the first part of the day and then I alwayyyyyys blow it in the afternoon or at dinner time. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to break this mental barrier and I can literally feel myself getting bigger. Continue reading

My Greatest Strength is My Biggest Weakness

My greatest strength is my passionate spirit. I absolutely love this gift of life. I am driven everyday by my desire to live to the fullest, making a difference, and impacting others in a positive way. Ironically, my passion is directly related to my greatest weakness. I believe that this is a spiritual battle as my greatest struggle has sought to put out my passionate zeal for life. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, bulimia nervosa, in middle school. Through an awesome treatment team of therapists, nutritionists, friends, and family members, I have made GREAT strides forward. Having an eating disorder will continue to be a struggle, but is something that I believe can clearly be defeated. I say that it is my greatest weakness but I consider it more of a challenge, something to be overcome. We all have our struggles, weaknesses, and challenges. It is a mark of true accomplishment when one pushes on despite their biggest weakness and eventually when one’s greatest challenge is conquered. I believe that the Lord has a plan for me and will use me to impact the lives of others who experience the same struggles.

Here is my story. Bear with me, at times my “teenage angst” comes through a little too much. Continue reading