Finally, I’m a world traveler! Today, after getting only about three hours of sleep in the past likeeee 30 hours, I can finally say I’ve navigated across the globe by myself! Eeee! It wasn’t as hard as I expected. I flew from Atlanta to Frankfurt, then to Munich, and from Munich to Basel. It was so neat to see all of the different peoples and hear the cacophony of various languages, especially in the bigger international airports. It’s amazing how small the globe has become, how quickly people are able to cross continents and boarders! And yet it’s still so big because there is so much to be seen! Every time I go to a new place I’m always reminded that a smile is the same in every language. There’s a lot of bad in this world, but there’s also a lot of good, a lot of kindness. Today, upon arriving in the tiny little town of Kandern, Germany my cousin, Mimi, and I went for a walk. I loved seeing all of the old houses. From the air, the German landscape looks really well managed, like a giant patchwork quilt. The land is sectioned off into almost perfect squares and rectangles, all different shades of green and brown. Yet, on the ground, the people let their gardens grow more freely than the perfectly trimmed shrubs and bushes I’m used to seeing in the states. The grass is a little taller, there are some natural flowers mixed into the flowerbeds, and beautiful ivy and wisteria grows onto the houses. I’ve learned that the Mien River flows through Frankfurt and the Rhine separates France and Germany. I’ve seen both in one day! I also got to ride on an autobahn! I’m really excited to spend this next month abroad. These first few days will be spent with Mimi at Black Forrest Academy, a school created mostly for missionary kids. These girls are so fun! I’m so excited that Mimi has a chance to grow with these girls. I’m really excited to spend this next month abroad. I’m excited at this different chance to think about food. I am so unbelievably tired so I feel like everything has gone by in a BLUR, but I have eaten some pretty good food already even just at the airport! The airplane food was actually really good too. Free wine, free Baileys, and OHHHHH don’t get me started on the delicioussss German chocolate! Some things that I’m excited to see happen… One, I don’t have an unlimited amount of food at my disposal like I have at my house or my apartment at school. Two, the people are much more active. I mean, I’ve been sitting on my BUTTTT the past two days but hey, I’ve been on a plane and that will all change now that I’m HERE. I brought my running shoes so I do plan to run and stuff when I can. Three, there’s a big difference in the way Europeans and Americans think about food. I am ready to try to eat mindfully and experience food in a different way. Also, I hope that some of the bloating and stuff from my recent binges will go away as I try to eat normally. More than anything, I hope that food is the LAST thing on my mind during this trip. There’s so much to see and do! I don’t want to be weighed down by my obsession with food! I was worried about all the carbs that Italian people eat but you know, Americans are the ones with the weight problem, not Italians! So, I PRAY that my weight evens out. I am hoping to the high heavens that I don’t gain any more weight… That would really be devestating. But, I’m trusting that things will even out. Balance. That’s what I’m seeking on this trip. That’s what I’m always seeking. Balance and a renewed sense of God FIRST in relation to myself SECOND.
Today, after some serious struggles this week, I weighed in at 135. I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to weigh myself because I knew I wouldn’t be happy with the number but I thought it would be important to understand that there are consequences. Every time I get persuaded by the lies that Ed feeds me – that binging and purging actually can help me lose weight – the scale proves Ed wrong. The truth proves Ed wrong. Bulimia does not “work.” Even if I have to get it in my head by physically seeing the numbers on the scale go up, I have to prove it to myself. But today, even though I’m so disappointed and sad that I let myself gain the weight, I’m letting it all go. This journey has been so interesting. It’s far, far, far from a success story. It’s so interesting to see how Jesus has revealed different things to me. He’s made it blatantly obvious that I CAN NOT DO IT ALONE. These recent blog posts were supposed to keep me accountable and show myself that I could do it. ME, on my own strength, with my own self discipline. HAH. Jesus has taken that and turned it completely around. He’s showing me, through my own folly and failure, that the ONLY way to joy and “success” is to let it all go. The sermon I heard today was on point with everything I’m learning right now about submission. It was entitled “Religion Ruins Everything.” Religion – the desire to prove ourselves through the law, through works, through our own strength – is always going to be a temptation. But, we as people are profoundly limited in what we can or cannot do. That’s not something that the world wants us to hear. The world wants us to think we can do everything on our own; that we all have some kind of innate superpower we just have to tap into. But that’s not the message of the gospel. Trying to muster up religious energy to do what Jesus has already done for us and attempting to save ourselves is a form of slavery! We don’t have to spend time trying to “pay back God.” In a way, that’s what I’ve been doing! That’s why I haven’t been able to defeat Ed. I can’t do it on my own power. I’ve SAID that I’m working to make Jesus a part of my recovery, but that’s really the problem. I don’t have to work to save myself. I can’t do that. I can work to serve Jesus and make the Lord known, but Jesus doesn’t need us to be strong for him. If Christ died for us at our weakest point, he is not surprised at our weakness now. He is not ashamed of us. He does not need us to fake strength or perfection. We are freed up to admit our own weakness and then in turn allow healing to enter in. We don’t have to hide our struggles or feign perfection from God or from the communities he’s blessed us with here on earth. In fact, Paul says that we are to rejoice in our weaknesses! 2 Corinthians 12:9 reads, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” When we are able to admit our weaknesses, Christ is glorified. This is something that the Lord has really been pushing me to realize this entire year. Literally, this is all I’ve heard this year and I’ve still missed it. I know this in my head and I believe that I know this in my heart too, but putting it into action is a different story. In trusting in my savior, I have to let go of my own selfish goals. Honestly right now, in my constant failure of trying to redeem myself, I don’t think the Lord wants me to have such a focus on “health goals.” He wants me to relate ALL things to service in him first. I believe that he will complete me, he will heal me, and THEN he will free me to be able to glorify him through a renewed and a changed mindset of what it means to be healthy. Freedom is so close that I can almost grasp it. The Lord just has to make a few more things real to me first. I am trusting in my savior and that his plan is better than my plan. It may mean that I end up weighing 150 pounds in the process. But, I think the Lord is going to help me see that I have to let it all go. He’s not going to make me “unhealthy” or “ugly.” That’s not his plan. He gave us these bodies and wants us to take care of them! I think that the picture of health I have in my mind is in line with God’s plan. That hasn’t been the problem. The process for me is understanding that the way I look is NOT the most important. God is going to challenge that until I am changed to the very core. Then I will find true beauty, true joy, and true peace.
This is my prayer, my song, to the Lord today:
My Jesus, you satisfy.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Oh, God, be my everything, be my delight.
Be, Jesus, my glory. My soul’s satisfied.
I love all the yummy healthy recipes on pinterest! I found two different recipes for some healthy energy snack bites and wanted to compare them. Here are my variations on the two different recipes!
I forgot to update my workouts for this week. Here they are! It’s going to be a CRAZY week since it’s the last week of classes, so my workouts are going to be far from “scheduled.” I’ll be surprised if I get a good workout in twice this week.
Monday: 45 minutes on the bike while doing some reading. 30 minutes on the elliptical.
- 50 burpies (no pushups)
- 1 mile run (Time: 7:49/mile)
- 100 body weight squats
- 1 mile run (7:17/mile)
- 75 pushups (These were the hardest! I had to keep breaking them up into small sets – sometimes only like five pushups at a time!)
- 1/2 mile run (3:55 minutes)
- Treadmill: 1 mile (7:30 pace)
- Barbell Squat: 4 sets of 15 – 20 reps (Highest weight was 105 lbs. x 20 reps)
- DB Walking Lunges: (Weight: 22 lbs., 17.5 lbs., 15 lbs.) 3 sets of 20
- Leg Extension: 2 x 25 reps (45 lbs.)
- Single Leg Calf Raises 2 x 30
- Squat Jumps: 2 x 15
- Mountain Climbers 2 x 25
- Bicycle Crunches 2 x 25
- 10 Dive bomber pushups
- 4 sprints of 30 secs each.
I’ve finished the 21 day challenge, not well, but I finished it. Since my last blog post, I’ve binged and purged twice. Both binges were pretty big ones. The kind that you can’t really “recover from” or “undo.” One of the purges involved a binge where I drove around to different fast food places before “getting rid” of the food. Of course that never works. I weighed myself the day after that binge and was at 132. So, all the hard work I’ve been putting in at the gym was ruined by my terrible diet. I think I’ve been having such a hard time because I’ve made some key realizations about submitting myself to Christ. I am going to have to give HIM my all in this. It’s going to take utter and complete submission and focus on following what the Lord asks of me in this fight. I know that in my head but I don’t think I realized it TRULY in my heart until a sermon this past Sunday. The pastor talked about relationships and how God gave us the example of marriage as a model for all of our other relationships. Looking at biblical marriage gives us the blueprint for any relationship we have with all people and with God. Any kind of deficit in our service to others points to our lack of submission to God. Check out this excerpt from Ephesians 5:18 – 21…
18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
The verses that follow talk about wives and husbands submitting to and loving one another as God loved the church. These verses above contrast a self-filled life with a spirit-filled one. A spirit-filled life involves speaking, singing, making melodies, and giving thanks. These things lead to unity experienced and shared in relationships. Having a spirit-filled life LEADS to these joyful characteristics of Christ manifest in us. If WE are trying, we are only giving more life to the flesh. Pursuing the Lord is what leads to a spirit-filled existence. Being servant minded like Jesus is willing submission to others out of reverence to Christ. Our service is not based on people but is based on Christ’s example. We see Jesus as a servant, perfectly submitted to God the Father. In his submission to God, he perfectly submitted to people. It is through Jesus that we understand relationships. Whatever we do to one another is a reflection of God’s relationship in us. We need to submit to people and serve people without any kind of selfish motivation. This is how we worship God daily. There are really only two kinds of love in this world: self-love and love for God. We should think about our actions based on the root of our love. Understanding submission in this way has really affected me this week. I feel like I have to pray for God to help me submit to him every single second. I feel immediate attack when in the moments that I’m not seeking the Lord fully, with my face to the ground, arms spread wide open, in total surrender. That’s what it’s going to take. The attacks of anxiety are so great that I literally feel like I’m knocked to the ground and can’t catch my breath. I know though that I’ve finally opened the door on the way to freedom. I just need to be still and let the Lord fight for me. He is showing me that I must let go of EVERYTHING. I know that in his time, I’ll find healing. No Scratch that. In his time, he’ll GRANT healing. He’s waiting on me to relinquish any hold that I have on anything and everything. Oh great love of God that takes away the sin of all of us, gone forever. Lord, I pray for you to help me to submit to you fully. Thank you for the realizations I’ve made these past 21 days. No, I haven’t had some miraculous body transformation. But I haven’t given up either. These 21 days have been a journey that showed me that I can push myself physically harder than ever before. I’ve done some pretty hard workouts!! I know the Lord is going to lead me out of this valley one step at a time. I have to keep getting up after I’ve been knocked down and turn my eyes back up to Jesus. I’m going to keep blogging about my journey. It’s really helpful! I’m going to keep working hard in the gym. I’m going to keep asking the Lord to change my mindset about food. Freedom is so close.
New post from later on…
I binged for pretty much two hours on everything could get my hands on. Tortilla chips and salsa, veggie chips, saltine crackers, jelly, popcorn, special k brownie bites (3 packs), banana and peanut butter sandwich, breakfast essentials mix with milk. I purged just now. I know that’s not comforting or pleasant for anyone to read. I had to put it up though. I can’t hide and I need to keep a record of everything so that I can look back and see what’s wrong. I was having such a pleasant night! I don’t know what happened. I want to go run or something because I know I am just killing any semblance of a better body but I am dead tired.
My emotions were crazyyy today! I was up and down and up and down, literally on a roller coaster. I started out my day excited to be up and at em but spent most of my Saturday at work. I was tired and couldn’t get myself excited to workout. I DID workout after work but felt lonely and kind of down while I was doing it! I love getting friends to workout with me. I do wish my roommates were more health conscious and active. That would make things a millllllion times easier. But, instead of letting myself be pulled down because of them, I can LIFT THEM UP! It’s important for me to change how I feel about things and not let others clutter up my mind. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I really realized that today. I kept comparing myself to the other cool things that people were doing today. If things aren’t picture perfect, I don’t think it’s good enough! No, I didn’t do a mud run or a color run today. No, I didn’t go out tonight with a ton of friends. But I did learn to play racquetball, saw an old friend and showed her little brother, a potential Clemson student, around Fike, worked out, started a painting, went for a walk and now I’m going to try to study. I needed a day to breathe. I need to continue to make the most of it and GET SOME STUFF DONE for school with the rest of my day. Grace and I had a great talk on our walk. We needed that! She also made beignets today, so that was a great sweet treat! We talked about our lives and struggles lately and things we can pray about for one another.
Anyways here’s my workout:
- 1/2 mile warm up on the treadmill (only did 1/2 mile because I had just played a little bit of racquet ball)
- Squats: 3×15 Bar+10lb. on each side, 20lb. on each side, 25lb. on each side (my knee felt great but I didn’t want to push it!)
- Box Jumps: 25×2 sets
- 2 laps of walking lunges around the indoor track
- Hip Abductor: 2X20 85lb., 100lb., 100lb.
- Hip Adductor 45lb., 45lb, 35lb. (These are HARD for me)
- 10 minutes on the elliptical at a lower intensity
- Breakfast: oatmeal with peanut butter and skim milk. Coffee with creamer.
- Snack: GNC breakfast bar with apple
- Lunch: Hard boiled egg with mustard, 1 scoop of protein with skim milk, 3 beignets plus a bunch of powdered sugar
- Dinner: Salad with hard boiled egg and goat cheese crumbles, almonds, raisins and honey mustard yogurt dressing
I get so discouraged when I look at my legs. I just hateeee the cellulite on the back of my legs. My legs make me look so fatty fat fat. I literally feel like I’m normal sized on top and then look like I’m wearing giant balloon pants from the waist down. My legs are like stumpy blobs. I used to like my big butt, but now, all I see is the cellulite that makes it flabby and gross! I’m also still having trouble eating right! All I think about is food. But, in order to train myself I have to think about positive reinforcement so… I did great at dinner! I tried to eat mindfully and really taste each part of the salad. I was munching a little extra on the almonds and raisins because I was craving some sweet something but I kept telling myself I’d already had PLENTY of sweets today. I sat down to blog because I hoped that would help. After drinking some water and thinking about it, I feel satisfied. Food is not the answer for boredom; it is not a substitution for dealing with my feelings.
So today, after a massage (and my first facial eeee!), I met a friend for coffee. I loved talking to her because she has really been in my shoes! It was so refreshing to talk to an older girl about some of the same struggles that I face and hearing how she got through it. We talked a good bit about the importance of mindful eating. That’s something I really struggle with but I know that’s a BIG key for me. I have to start taking the time to slow down and enjoy my food. It’s amazing how little it takes to be satisfied. Instead, I eat as fast as I can and gorge myself without even appreciating the taste, texture, and satisfaction that food can bring. I had some real revelations talking to Emily today. It was just really great.
- Breakfast: oatmeal (1 package and 1/2c. regular oats) with peanut butter and coffee
- Lunch: A grilled chicken caesar wrap, apple slices, some olive oil and bacon pasta salad at the spa place.
- Snack: Skinny, sugar free chai latte
- Snack: almonds and raisins (1 serving), peanut butter and celery (1 stalk)
- Dinner: grilled chicken salad (carrots, goat cheese, grapes, raisins) with light caesar dressing. 2 saltine crackers with goat cheese and scuppernong wine jelly. (Also had a few bites of my roommate’s chinese take out – sweet and sour chicken and rice. Being honest!)
Also……… I wrote this earlier on my way to the gym:
- All day today, because of the rain in the dreary wet weather, I didn’t want to go to the gym. But, I’m on my way right now. I put on my running shoes, sucked it up, and thought, “Hey, just get there. You won’t regret it.” I’ve got to run 4 miles today since I missed it yesterday. I hate running, especially on the treadmill. But, I know that I have to do this if I’m going to reach my goals. It’s so important for me to man (or woman) up and break past the mental barriers that make me feel sorry for myself. Also, I’m on my way to the student gym on campus, Fike. I didn’t go to the little gym at our apartment complex because I needed some more motivation. Yes, it’s 7 o’clock on a Friday night but I put this off way too long and I’m getting to the gym NOW. Better late than never. I have to learn that I just have to do it. This is a mental challenge. This is what the best do. And yet, through all of this hard work at the gym, I’m still searching for freedom. In beating Ed, there is freedom. In letting go of the voices that tell me I’m worthless, I’m nothing, I’ll never be enough… there is freedom, there is rest. I know I can’t do it myself. I have to let go of things that I keep holding on to and give them over to God. I’m not sure exactly what it is that I keep holding on to. I think it’s just the control factor in general. I want to have everything planned out perfectly. If it’s working out, please God, don’t take it away from me. Working out simply can’t take precedence over God. If God ever called me stop working out, then that’s what I would have to do. I’m going to do whatever it takes to beat Ed. It’s so tiring when I always think about constantly changing my body. It’s so disheartening to always criticize myself. That’s something I need to work on. I can be happy with hard work. I have to learn to love the fact that I have worked hard to get this far! I haven’t yet gotten where I want to be, but I have put some hard work in. I can’t let myself keep sabotaging myself. That sounds weird and it’s so complicated. It’s like a giant, 1000 piece puzzle. If I’m going to get anywhere, I’ve got to stop undermining myself. My goal isn’t a perfect body. That’s something important to realize. That way, I don’t have to beat my head against a wall to keep working for perfect body – because that’s not ever going to happen. I’m working for healthy; I’m working for me. I’m working to make myself better than I was. I’m not working for perfection. I’m not even trying to be the best. I have to stop comparing myself to others and only compare myself to myself. Did I work hard today? If the answer is yes then I don’t have anything left to do but be satisfied. My anxiety comes when I start to compare myself to others and I’m unsatisfied with the way God made me. There’s a saying by Tony Dungy that talks about the importance of following your dreams as long as they are in line with God’s plan. The same is true for working out and trying to be healthy – If I’m working out to better what God already made perfect then that’s okay. It’s when I’m constantly seeking to change what God created, what God said was good, that the problem manifests itself. I have to start accepting myself as I am. Until I can do that and stop being so negative, I’m honestly never going to see changes because I’ll be going to the gym for the wrong reasons, I’ll be eating for the wrong reasons, and I’m going to hate it all. Coming to Fike tonight will help me see that I’m not the only person in the gym on Friday night. And it’s not a bad thing to be in the gym! It’s what I want! I want to be in good shape and I want to find myself doing it. I don’t want to be a fatty and sit around all day, but if that’s what my body needs then that’s what I’ll do. Part of my journey is all about listening to my body, being mindful, and being in the moment. I’m always trying to do too many things at once. I need to slow down. With that in mind, I’m going to enjoy these 40 minutes on the treadmill and treat it as a mental break, not torture. I will look at it as a time for me to challenge myself but also a time for me to just “be” and not have to do anything but feel the beat of my feet on the treadmill. Granted, I’d love to be outside running. But it’s raining and, you know, we can’t control the weather. So here I go, I’m walking in the gym. I’m getting ready to run. I’m not running away from anything tonight. Rather, I’m running towards my goals. I’m running towards oneness, wholeness. I’m running towards freedom. I’m running towards the freedom that satisfaction in my current ability can bring. I’ll never fully be satisfied, but that doesn’t mean I have to be unhappy. It’s not the same thing. Maybe it’s better to say the “appreciation” that my current ability can bring. Wow. That was important for me to realize.
So, I pushed myself really hard on the treadmill. I ran 3 miles in 25 minutes! That’s a personal best for me! I finished all four miles in 33:58. YAY! I felt like a beast. Also, after that I stretched out really good and then did the arm workout Blake gave me a few weeks ago:
- Pushups (4 sets of as many as possible): 20, 19, 10, 20
- Barbell Rows: 3 sets of 15 (Weights were: 15lb., 17.5lb., 17.5lb.)
- Tricep Extension Machine: 3 sets of 15 (Weights: 50lb., 60lb. 60lb.)
- Shoulder Circuit: 3 sets of 10, 8, 6 reps (I used 7.5lb. dumbbells for each set)
- DB 21’s: 3 sets of 21 (Weights: 10lb. 10lb. 7.5lb.)
- Plank and bicycle crunches done in a circuit.
- Back extensions: 3 sets of 20 (Weights: 100lb., 110lb., 120lb.)
That’s all for today! I wish I could have said that I ate perfectly, but I clearly did not. That will come, I just can’t give up in the meantime. Something that Emily said earlier that really helped me was that I may have to go through a period of being heavier than I want to be. That’s where I’ve been for a LONG time because I’ve been eating so much! Hopefully, as I practice more mindful eating, my weight will settle back down. She also said that she had to make the CHOICE to be conscious and mindful. She had to do something hard and change her mindset. Knowing that someone else did it makes me know that I can too. I think that Italy will be really good for me. It will give me a different perspective about food. That’s something I desperately need. I’m going to keep trusting Blake. I know he knows what he’s doing. It’s nice that I don’t have to really think about stuff myself. It’s almost like I’m doing some kind of therapy because he’s really helping me change my mindset, even just by getting me in the gym. I just need to start following more of what he says about eating. I’ll get there. It’s just a journey – a long journey – but it’s the little rewards and revelations from days like today that help me keep going.
p.s. ONLY FOUR DAYS LEFT. WUT.
So last night Blake and I had a big long talk about how I needed some time to plan things based on what he wanted me to do, etc. etc. Well he said he’d have everything to me this morning. When I woke up to work out (EARLY, mind you) I saw that he had run one mile. Nothing about what to eat for the day, just run one mile. So. I texted him asking if that was all and he didn’t respond. So. I went back to sleep knowing I only had to give myself ten minutes to run one mile. Hah. WRONG. I was supposed to run FOUR miles this morning. He had a type-o… oops. I didn’t have much time in my schedule the rest of the day because I already had plans to go to the driving range with a buddy and then a concert with my friends, so all I did today was run one mile. Cool. I did hit some balls at the driving range for a few hours though. Hopefully that’ll be good!
I’m still having trouble eating… I realized I haven’t been keeping an adequate record on here!
Breakfast: banana, oatmeal (probably about 2 1/2c.) (10:00am)
Snack: GNC breakfast bar (12:15pm)
Lunch: Carrots, 1 chicken tenderloin with goat cheese (2:30pm)
Snack: Almonds and raisins (probably about 3 handfuls)
Dinner: 2 chicken tenderloins, salad (red leaf lettuce, red grapes, sprinkled mozzarella cheese on top) With Honey Yogurt Dressing (45 cals/tbsp) (6:30pm)
My big downfall today was the snack in between lunch and dinner. Nuts killlll me. I didn’t buy peanut butter this week because I literally ate almost a whole jar in 7 days last week. I need to be able to limit myself to ONE handful of the nuts IF I do decide to eat them for a snack. I need to start eating more fresh foods. But hey, it’s 1:05am and I’m hungry so maybe it’s okay. I do feel reallyyy bloated though. I’ve been hoping to see home flatness in my stomach and it’s just not happening. I know that will change before I start seeing a difference in my legs, so I’ve been wanting to see that progress because I know that will give me some more motivation. I just want my legs to be smaller! WAH. I don’t even want to look perfect, I just really want smaller legs. That’s ALL. It’s one of the biggest things I hate about myself. I wish I could snap my fingers and this would be done. Easy. Ugh. The thing is, it’s just an uphill battle. Sooner or later though, I’ll get to the peak. I’m going to keep pushing. I’m making some signs tomorrow to put on the fridge. Hey, whatever works.
I LOVE THIS QUOTE.
It takes SO MUCH TIME to write a bunch! Sometime’s it’s all I can do to get down enough info to jog my memory for writing more at a later date.
This is the workout I did today… I did it through twice. Blake introduced this one to me about a year ago. It is REALLY TOUGH. I dare you to try it. I can never get through it in the 15 minutes. It takes me more like 20 minutes! I look forward to the day when I can do it without missing a single rep.
I also did 15 minutes on the elliptical first and then did some reading for class for 45 minutes on the bike.
I didn’t eat well today. That’s really been the thing that’s held me back for YEARS. I keep wanting to kill myself (not literally) when I think about where I could be now if I would have stayed dedicated to beating Ed! I’ve been so discouraged lately. Part of that is because I’ve felt like a failure with Blake. I want so bad to please him and he hasn’t necessarily encouraged me along the way lately. I beat myself up enough and he was (for good reason) only trying to hold me accountable… so I was getting a double whammy of guilt and shame. I kept slipping up so he kept trying to make me realize I can’t be complacent. I guess I was taking it too personally. We talked about it today and I felt much better afterwards. He helped me to realize that he KNOWS I have the potential to do this and he is pushing me so hard because he doesn’t want me to ever be satisfied until I beat Ed. He knows I work hard in the gym. It’s the eating that I just can’t get right. I get obsessed about food… Like just thinking about makes me want it. I think I need to eat WAY more than I do. Or… I try to restrict. Because restricting is HARDER, I often “fail” at it. Either way isn’t healthy. It’s “unfortunate” that my “problem” contributes to weight gain… Something that I am most fearful of. I swing back and forth, back and forth. That’s is why this is such a challenge for me! I’m learning how to beat a mindset that isn’t healthy. I’ve struggled so much these past few days that I emailed my sweet therapist and my nutritionist at Riley Therapy about meeting with them before I go to Italy. I wanted to talk with them about strategies to help me slow down enough to be able to take a step back from the food (or whatever the situation may be) and think about it. It’s never until AFTER I’m already eating that I am like, “Woah, wait, what is happening!?” I just can’t slow down at all once I give in one eensey teensy bit. The problem is that I ALWAYS GIVE IN. After I emailed my therapist, I texted a friend about meeting with her. I’ve had some girls this past school year that I’ve really tried to pour into and help them recover. However, I’ve somehow neglected the importance of having someone there mentoring me. My friend’s sister is a senior and actually went through in-patient treatment before college. She’s fully recovered and is studying to be a nutritionist so she can help others too! I love that about her and hope that God will use me in the same way… even now. I’ve been meaning to meet with her for a REALLY LONG TIME, so today I finally took the step to set up a time for us to talk. I know that will be helpful going into exam time.
Also, one more thing… today someone told me I had nice legs. Granted, she said they were “nice strong legs,” but I’ll take it! I was so taken aback by that complement because I HATE my “strong” legs so much. And yet, today, I am going to appreciate her complement.